I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize