Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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