Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
