my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
