I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
A+ Viking dick
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize