We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
