One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Randomize
