I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
