Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Randomize
