you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
