two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
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