wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
