i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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