There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
So squirting runs in the family.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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