She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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