foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
