Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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