Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
