the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Randomize
