She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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