I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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