I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
