she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
