Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Randomize
