so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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