she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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