I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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