I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
