Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
