Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
