Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize