Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
