i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
