It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
