My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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