When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Randomize
