Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
