My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
