wrigley field is MILF paradise
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Can Purell be used as lube?
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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