remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Randomize
