Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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