Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
