Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
