I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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