Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I'm both gender and math confused
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
