smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
