Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Randomize
