You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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