i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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