you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Randomize
