im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
