The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
