one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Randomize
