WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
