Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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