Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
