Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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