i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
