The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
