Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
