at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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