I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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