And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
