I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
