But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
How does it feel to date your dad?
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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